Americans Live on the Edge in Beverly Hills

Zachary Tootle says he lives on the edge on Coldwater Canyon Dr. in Beverly Hills.

“Dude, the other day this random guy totally rolled through a stop sign and almost killed me!” (Zach’s (parent’s) mansion has it’s own side street and hence it’s own stop sign.)

“It was like so completely ridiculous”, continued Zach. “Things can get real crazy around here. Tiffany Garfunkle saw a coyote the other day in her backyard. A coyote!” (Tiffany’s (parent’s) mansion is a few (dozen) acres and apparently that’s coyote-sized.)

Just then, Tiffany pulls up in her BMW X5, seemingly in a huff. “Do you see this scratch on my door? Someone nicked my door when I parked at The Grove. I was lucky I didn’t get hit! Life is just so crazy sometimes.” She twists her blonde curls, pretending to be absentminded.

“Ugh I hate The Grove”, moaned Zach. “The traffic is just so insane. And the wait time at Cheesecake Factory — just redonks. I had to wait 20 minutes last time and almost died from dehydration.”

Zach living on the edge

Tiffany in happier times.

(At the point, Tiffany has to one-up Zach’s mad life.) “Ugh you’re lucky you just go to the Grove. Just take Coldwater to Sunset to San Vincente to 3rd Street. Easy. I have to go back to USC on Sunday and it’s the worst.”

Zach (supports her),”You’re going to SC? Dude, that’s insane. Do you just get shot at the moment you get off the 110?”

Tiffany (practically in tears now),”I’m totally panicking the moment I get off the freeway. That one block to Alpha Phi is the worst time of my life. I cried last time till daddy picked me up.”

Zach (supporting her),”That’s just the worst. I can’t believe you drive that block on your own.”

Zach (now trying to one-up),”Man, you should have been there when my iPhone routed me onto Adams. Like seriously, at every light I was ready to abandon my BMW Z8 and run. Scariest shit of my life. Parts of LA are downright unbelievable.”

Tiffany (playing off Zach now while continuing to twist blonde curls),”I hate it when my iPhone does that. Maps are just not my thing. Every time I leave home I’m like fearing the Maps route. Especially when the 405 is stuck and I get routed on side-streets. Sepulveda is like the sketchiest. Specially in Culver City. I just hug my dog every time I have to do that.”

Zach (knowing Tiffany can’t stop talking about her dog),”Oh is Snuggles all right? Didn’t he get lost?”

Tiffany (really going for it here),”It was the worst. We left the door open for a second and Snuggles got lost. Took daddy 5 minutes to find him. I was crying. I thought the coyote ate Snuggles.”

Zach (co-opting the coyote),”Isn’t the coyote absolutely crazy? I just don’t feel safe anymore.”

At that point the coyote shows up and we scatter.

You might also enjoy: “LA is Superficial” says Preppy, Country-Club, Ivy-Leaguer.

2 thoughts on “Americans Live on the Edge in Beverly Hills

  1. Kevin Curtis on

    LOL funny stuff. Americans wouldn’t say “dodgiest” though. “Sketchiest” maybe.

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