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Bro-rankings, or “Brankings”, have been released by major bro research fim BroSearch Analysis Group. Says Nathan Jock, Research Analyst at BroSearch, ”We exhaustively surveyed top colleges in America to find the ultimate Brexperience, evaluating parameters such as quality of the average
female undergraduate, quality and price of beer kegs, awesomeness of workout facilities, quality of tailgating and the presence of fraternities on campus.” Their report cites extensive field testing including crashing frat parties, hitting on members of the opposite sex, determining availability of natty light, and even considering ease of access to marijuana. Analyst Carl Jung notes,”Washington and Colorado received major chill points on their mad access to weed bro.”
Reportedly, academics played a major part in the rankings with junior partner Great Schott noting,”It was really important to us that colleges made provision for majors that allow a bro to take the time out to hang with other bros, and really give college life the full attention it deserves.” He went on to detail how important a well rounded personality is, saying Washington didn’t beat the British by “spending time in a library”, he bro-ed out at the gym, manned up and beat them on the battlefield.
Another factor that received detailed consideration was the emphasis colleges placed on women in education. Jock hastened to emphasize, ”The place of women in education is extremely important to us. To this end, we untiringly interviewed fellow bros about their experiences with women at their colleges, evaluated how involved women were in
Greek college life and studied the contribution women made to the bro experience.” Schott interjected, ”The diversity women provide is invaluable, and rest assured, our collective experience as bros at college would be much the poorer if it weren’t for the presence of women in education.” It is said that ASU and USC received “mad props” for the quality of their female undergraduates.
Brosearch reportedly left no stone unturned in its quest. Even weather was considered. Jung notes,”What’s the point of working out if a bro can’t wear his bro-tank. SoCal and Florida that’s where it’s at.” Further chill points were awarded to universities that had the foresight to provide night transportation. Jung explains,”Night transportation really exemplifies attention to a bro’s social life, getting him to his social engagements with no fuss, given how disorienting the merriment at these engagements can be.”
Intriguingly, the quality of research at universities did not play a role in these rankings. Brankings specifically mentions that the authors believe a bro is made outside of academics, and the life experiences that mould a bro to make him what he is are not gained within the four walls of the classroom, but within the four walls of his frat house. “Greek life moulds and sculpts bros to make them who they are. It gives them their values and principles. We believe in multi-faceted and well rounded individuals, and eschew a tunnel-visioned focus on studies”, Jock signs off.
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